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Fred, And His Hat
THIS, is the story of man named Frederick Alfred Fredin, or as he likes to be
called, Fred, and his hat. Fred is a nice guy, he helps out when people around him need it, pays his taxes, gives 20% tips,
and occasionally helps a little old lady cross the street. His hat sat on top of his head and minded it’s own business,
though it didn’t have much business other than sitting on top of a head belonging to a man named Fred.
Fred
was fairly tall, 6 feet, 2.1286 inches. He was not that heavy of a man, 187.6583 pounds. He was not a very built man, maximum
bench press weight of 217.1352 pounds, though he has only tried 150.0026 pounds, not including the bar. He had fairly short
hair, 2.3689 inches. It is brown, but very dark so it is often mistake as being black. He has a clean shaven face,
that he shaves in the morning and the afternoon to make sure it stays clean shaven. He has brown eyes, most people would say
are perfectly situated. He is a fairly handsome man though not particularly handsome, if you were to pick out all the men
in a night club and compared them he would be about 17th, not that he would ever go to a night club and be compared
to all the other men. Fred normally dresses in either a light grey or a dark blue suit with either a dark blue or light gray
tie (it will always be the opposite of his suit). His shoes were like loafers, but actually a tougher but not as good looking
pair of shoes, size 11.5. They are worn but not in a bad condition.
The reason that this is what he normally
wore was because the job he had was one that called for him wearing a suit Monday through Friday from 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM and
occasionally staying late to finish up on his work but never more than 1.2483 hours, his job was sadly at the bank, it was,
as he liked to call it, a Personal Bank Account Manager, or as everybody else calls it, a Bank Teller. He chooses to call
it that because he does not particularly like his job for obvious reasons. When somebody asks what he does for a living, he
replies nervously, “My job is a Personal Bank Account Manager.” They then ask, “What does a Personal Bank
Account Manager do?” He then says, “What do you think? I personally manage the bank accounts of the customers
that come to our bank.” They, now angry at the rhetorical question asked that implied the fact that they were a moron
and did not know anything about banks and the titles that jobs are given, then question, “Isn’t that basically
a Bank Teller?” Then he, now embarrassed, answers, “Yes”, very loudly and runs away hoping that the rest
of the conversation went better and that when they next meet that the other person will have forgotten about the whole ordeal
and that he or she will not ask that question again. Though normally when they next meet the other person glares at him and
then says, “So, What do you do”, and then gets a maniacal grin and Fred just walks away, scared.
Anyway, Fred does not have very many friends,
probably because of what he does when people ask what he does for a living but that’s not the point. So few in fact,
he only has one friend. Fred’s friend is named Richard Aldrich Richmond, or as he like to be called, Rich. Rich was
the same as Fred in all ways but one, they always wore a different combination of suit and tie as each other, never on purpose
it just always happened that way, but this story is not about Fred’s friend Rich, it’s about Fred, and his hat.
Fred’s hat is a rather nice hat,
it’s black. It’s an original Borsalino with a 3.0189 inch brim, it’s a size 7. Fred’s hat is what
you would expect a typical businessman to wear. It has the indents typical businessmen hold in order to take off their hats,
and a flat brim, which is typical. It was a gift for Fred when he graduated college. It cost his parents $250 plus shipping
and handling. Fred loves his hat, He wears it every day. Fred’s hat loves him too.
Fred has a very uneventful life, he never changes his schedule. On weekdays
he wakes up, eats, works, eats, works, eats, sets his scheduler for the next day, and then sleeps. On the weekends he wakes
up, eats, reads the newspaper, plays sudoku/crossword, eats, plays sudoku/crossword, eats, watches the news, sets his scheduler
for the next day, and then sleeps. See uneventful, oh wait, I almost forgot, he occasionally talks to Rich at work.
Why does he do this? I don’t know, if you can find out, please tell me. He just does everything at a specific time and
never changes anything, partly because he never has anything he needs to change and partly because he never really learned
how to do anything but add things to his scheduler. Fred’s scheduler is a very high tech scheduler. It’s water
proof, so it will never short circuit. It has two back up batteries so if the main one dies out it, will not lose power and
reset, or worse, not tell him when to do something. It has a thick leather casing, so if he drops it will not get hurt. He
only takes it out at home, so he will never drop or damage it. He has a special pocket in his briefcase that is secret and
finger print sensitive, so no one can steal it. It has a keypad so he can enter things to do in quickly so as to not keep
it out for a long time and risk damaging it with the slightest scratch. This whole set cost him $1049.97. Every night he sets
it and every day he does what his scheduler tells him to do.
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